What is a conversation? Is an argument or a debate a conversation? Is an exchange of SMS messages a conversation? You might argue they are. But a real conversation is something special. So what makes a real conversation?
Several factors help make a conversation real, true, genuine, or authentic.
Real conversations are in real-time
For a conversation to be authentic, it must be a real-time exchange. You must not be able to edit an utterance, delete it or take it back. You must have little or no time to reflect on or plan what you will say before saying it. It must be real-time. It must be spontaneous, dynamic, and emergent — not planned or structured. You cannot have an asynchronous conversation.
Real conversations only occur between people
You can only have a conversation with other people. You cannot have a conversation with your dog or with a chatbot.
You cannot have a conversation with a book as if you were conversing with the author. Nor can you have a conversation with a work of art such as a statue! Books and works of art can trigger a conversation of sorts within your head, but this curious phenomenon is still not quite a conversation.
Our voice encodes who we are
Our voice reflects who we are. It is a significant part of our identity.
Our voice encodes our gender, sexual orientation, age, education, nationality/ethnicity, and social status.
Furthermore, in a specific conversation, our voice encodes our mood, stress level, seriousness, skepticism, impatience, respect, boredom, irritation, anger, degree of openness, confidence, arrogance, timidness, sense of humor, etc.
The encoding is automatic, we don’t consciously think about it, and it is encoded in the accent, tone, strength, speed, pauses, and rhythm of our speech.
This encoding is subtle and hard to describe, and the listener may not always interpret the encoding with great accuracy.
All of this encoded information is missing when communicating in the written word.
It is not that you cannot have a conversation of sorts by text exchange, but so much is lost that it is no longer a real conversation. Text exchange allows anonymity — to hide who you are and what you are feeling.
Real conversations are eyeball-to-eyeball
A real conversation is eyeball-to-eyeball, body-to-body. The other person must be there in flesh and blood, not some virtual form. Even in real-time, e-mediated voice or video, so much is lost in body language, utterances, gestures, background ambiance and noise, and the eyeball-to-eyeball connection with each other.You need to be in touching distance of another person to have a really good conversation.
Email and text exchanges are not conversations. Telephone calls come close, and video calls such as Skype or Facetime come closer, but they still fall short of real conversations.
And by the way, Albert Mehrabian never claimed the false assertion that 93% of our communication is nonverbal.
Real conversations are in small groups
How many people can simultaneously engage in a single conversation? Two is, of course, the minimum, but can 100? Can 20, 10, or 5? Research and common sense show that it’s a pretty small number. Anything more than five, and you don’t have a conversation – you have a series of statements made by each person. People talk at each other rather than with each other.
And with a smaller number, everyone also gets to talk. This is another vital element of a good conversation – broadly equal speaking times among the participants.
Real conversation catches fire.
It involves more than sending and receiving information.
Credit: Theodore Zeldin
A good conversation is often fast-paced. As a result, there is little time to reflect or plan your response. This may seem a negative aspect, but people are more likely to speak the truth openly when engaged deeply in a conversation. And even periods of silence do not mean that people have nothing to say but that they are reflecting.
Real conversations are respectful
Even when the above criteria are met, does chit-chat, an argument, a slanging match, or a debate constitute a conversation? I don’t think it does.
Suppose we were able to share meanings freely without a compulsive urge to impose our view or conform to those of others and without distortion and self-deception.
Would this not constitute a real revolution in culture?
Theodore Zeldin says, “The kind of conversation I like is one in which you are prepared to emerge a slightly different person.” He is talking about a learning conversation, about dialogue.
A learning conversation is one in which each person tries to make sense of an issue, actively working to understand the meaning the other person is trying to convey and where they are each prepared to change their views.
They are listening not with the intention to reply but with the intent to understand and help the other participants articulate their thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with other forms of communication – they all have their place. However, many are still seen as forms of conversation in an ordinary sense.
Real conversations are human
At the heart of it all, real conversations are human. They embody our humanity by encompassing the sharing of emotions, a willingness to be vulnerable, and a receptiveness to constructive criticism.
Real Conversations are in good faith
A real conversation is always in good faith. If either person is lying or deceitful or has a hidden agenda, then the exchange is not in good faith, and it is not an authentic conversation.
Real Conversations are between people who have the capacity to converse
If the people engaged in a conversation do not have the capacity to converse, there cannot be a real conversation. For example, if they cannot think critically or are not open to complex ideas and perspectives.
Real Conversations occur between equals
To have a conversation, you have to be comfortable being human - acknowledging you don't have all the answers, being eager to learn from someone else and to build new ideas together.
You can only have a conversation if you're not afraid of being wrong.
Otherwise, you're not conversing, you're just declaiming, speechifying, or reading what's on the PowerPoints.
To converse, you have to be willing to be wrong in front of another person.
Conversations occur between equals.
The time your boss's boss asked you at a meeting about your project's deadline was not a conversation.
The time you sat with your boss for an hour in the Polynesian-themed bar while on a business trip and you really talked, got past the corporate bullshit, told each other the truth about the dangers ahead, and ended up talking about your kids - that maybe was a conversation.
Real Conversations are purposeless
And lastly, real conversations are purposeless other than their implicit enjoyment. A real conversation is not an argument or debate and does not have a conclusion.
In a conversation the participants are not engaged in an inquiry or a debate; there is no 'truth' to be discovered, no proposition to be proved, no conclusion sought.
They are not concerned to inform, to persuade, or to refute one another, and therefore the cogency of their utterances does not depend upon their all speaking in the same idiom; they may differ without disagreeing.
Of course, a conversation may have passages of argument and a speaker is not forbidden to be demonstrative; but reasoning is neither sovereign nor alone, and the conversation itself does not compose an argument.
Unfortunately, many of our daily conversations miss opportunities for genuine human connection. We often get caught up in the routine of exchanging information or making small talk instead of genuinely engaging with the person we are speaking with. This can result in shallow, surface-level interactions that don’t allow us to get to know each other on a deeper level or build meaningful relationships. By recognizing and embracing the importance of real conversations, we can transform these missed opportunities into valuable moments of human connection and growth.
Things Todo
- Reflect: How real are your conversations?
Resources
- Psychology Today: Do You Have Real Conversations?
- Newsweek: The Creative Power of Meeting Eyeball to Eyeball
- Blog post: There’s no such thing as online conversation by Chris Rodgers
Posts that link to this post
- Conversation Sharpens the Saw It is not a waste of time
- Talk More The essence of Conversational Leadership is to talk with people more
- Turn Monologues Into Dialogues Talk with people rather than talk at them
- Connecting Minds Connecting and synchronising minds
- Shared Meaning To understand each other's perspectives well enough to accept them
- The Purposes of Conversation Real conversation serves one or more purposes
- Conversational Capacities Prerequisites to a good conversation
- Show Respect Failing to respect one another negatively impacts the future for all of us
- Knowledge Café: Going Off-topic It is OK to off-topic
- Education as an Initiation Into the Conversation of Humankind Michael Oakeshott
- Talk Enough but No Conversation Conversing is different from talking
- Real Conversations Are Human Real conversations embody our humanity
- Why Chatbots Can’t Have Real Human Conversations The limits of artificial chatting
- Creating Marvelous Conversations with David Gurteen A "Because You Need to Know" Podcast
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