Don’t Give Advice Especially when it is sought

Don’t give advice: Giving advice usually comes from a genuine desire to help. But advice can become another way of doing things to people rather than working with them. A conversation that listens first often achieves far more.

Advice is unfriendly to learning, especially when it is sought.

Most of the time when people seek advice, they just want to be heard.

Advice at best stops the conversation, definitely inhibits learning, and at worst claims dominance.

Credit: Peter Block

If people ask for personal advice, shouldn’t we help them? But reflect a little. Not giving advice, even when solicited, may not be as crazy as it sounds.

In the quote above, Peter Block is not referring to advice such as the best place to buy a new carpet or the most efficient way to get to the train station, or in a work context, how to develop a marketing plan or handle a difficult client.

He is discussing more profound, personal human issues. Should I get married? Should I take the new job that I have been offered? And in a business context, how do I handle a demanding boss?

When we ask for such advice, do we really want advice, or do we want to be listened to? Do we want a conversation?

Far too often, advice is delivered as, “If I were you, this is what I would do.”

But no one can fully understand another person’s circumstances, priorities or values.

However it is phrased, advice can’t help but be implicitly judgmental. It is also often condescending and paternalistic. How often do we think, “I’d sooner not have asked,” when people give us advice, whether sought or not?

It is easy to feel belittled and judged, and the urge to defend ourselves is strong. When we think our intelligence is being called into question, whether it is or not, we often respond defensively, if nothing else, to deflect the pain of what may be the truth.

Too often, giving advice stops the conversation and turns it into an emotional argument. Any learning goes out the window, and the person giving the advice can easily end up feeling rather pleased with themselves.

Her words were condescending, they were incredibly hurtful, and they were completely unsolicited. It had a lasting impact on both our friendship and my self-confidence. I became hesitant to share anything with her, as I was afraid of receiving more judgemental advice. I also became convinced that no guy would ever want a relationship with me; after all, even my best friend didn’t think I could keep anyone interested for more than five minutes. Her attempt at offering me guidance had seriously backfired.

After that, I vowed not to give my friends advice, and believe they should do the same. This resolution was initially brought on by the fact that my friend’s recommendations resulted in a great deal of crying on my part, and I didn’t want to make anyone else feel that terrible.

However, I eventually came to the conclusion that my friends and I shouldn’t be giving each other advice because we’re really not qualified to do so. My friend’s opinions on my dating life were just that – opinions. My friend was not a dating expert, and she wasn’t an expert on my life either. Yes, we spent a great deal of time together, and yes, she did know me extremely well, but she still wasn’t me. Regardless of how close someone is with you, they are a different person from you. They have different priorities and different values, and they view the world through a different lens than you.

Credit: Devonne Kendrick

The critical insight here is that although it is easy to accept the idea of not advising people who don’t ask for it, advising people who actively solicit it is no different. On the other hand, when advice is sought, it is perfectly reasonable to have a conversation and take the time to listen deeply to the other person. We tend to think of listening as a passive act. It’s not. It’s a powerful act of creation.

It is perfectly reasonable to ask the occasional question, but questions such as “Have you considered…?” can easily become another way of giving advice in disguise.

Advice is what you get when the person you’re talking with about something horrible and complicated wishes you would just shut up and go away.

Advice is what you get when the person you are talking to wants to revel in the superiority of his or her own intelligence.

If you weren’t so stupid, after all, you wouldn’t have your stupid problems.

Credit: Jordan Peterson

Resources

• Psychology Today: Giving People Advice Rarely Works. This Does
• Forbes: Why Giving Advice Doesn’t Work
• RealKM: For advice to be accepted, the recipient needs to request it