People spend a great deal of time trying to change other people’s behaviour. That often creates resistance rather than engagement. Better results come from working with people instead of trying to do things to them.
People often ask questions such as, “How do you make people share?” or “How do you make people adopt social tools?” or, more generally, “How do you make people more engaged?”
The Problem with “Making” People
That little word “make” comes up time and time again. It is surprisingly revealing. It suggests that someone has already decided what should happen, and the challenge is now to get everyone else to go along with it.
Even when people say, “Oh, I didn’t mean that. It was just a turn of phrase,” the underlying assumption often remains. Deep down, there is a tendency to think that other people need changing. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if everyone simply saw the world as we do?
But it is more subtle than that. Questions such as “How do you incentivize people?”, “How do you motivate them?” or “How do you get buy-in?” carry much the same assumption.
Think about it. Once again, the focus is on doing something to people. We are trying to incentivize or motivate them, get them to buy into something, or persuade them to think or act differently. The language may be softer, but the intention is often much the same.
Then there are questions such as, “How do you help people see things differently?” or “How do you support them through this change?” These sound more generous, but notice the assumption behind them. We assume we know what is right, and that others simply need to see what we see.
Wrapping it all up in cotton wool and saying “help” rather than “make” does not fundamentally change the relationship.
The deeper issue is that we often think about the world as “us” and “them.” We have the answers. They need to change. What changes when we begin to think in terms of “we” instead?
“I am here to help you” implies that you need help and that I know best. “How can we work better together?” starts from a very different place. It does not assume that one side has the answers and the other needs fixing.
But it has to be genuine. It cannot simply be another way of pursuing a predetermined agenda. Working together means approaching people with curiosity and a willingness to work things out together.
There is another interesting phenomenon. Managers often say that the biggest excuse people give for not changing, doing things differently, or sharing their knowledge is that they “have no time.”
But ask those same managers how they themselves share knowledge and the answer is often exactly the same: “If only I had the time!” Perhaps we are not as different as we like to think.
From “You” to “We”
Each year in the December issue, Time magazine announces its Person of the Year. In December 2006, in response to the rise of Web 2.0, that person was “You”, accompanied by the words, “Yes, You. You control the Information Age. Welcome to your world.”
It is a memorable message, but perhaps there is another way of expressing it:
“We, yes, we. We shape the Information Age. Welcome to our world.”
The difference between “you” and “we” may appear small, but it points to a fundamental shift. “You” places responsibility on individuals. “We” recognizes that the world is shaped through our relationships, conversations, and collective actions.
Three simple shifts seem worth exploring:
- From doing things to people to working with them.
- From expecting others to change to taking responsibility ourselves.
- From seeking buy-in to creating ownership together.
We are living in an increasingly participatory world. Whenever something new is introduced, one question naturally arises: “Are we trying to do something to people, or are we approaching them with a genuine desire to work together?”
Working Together Means Resisting the Urge to Fix People
One of the most common ways we try to do things to people is by giving advice. It usually comes from a genuine desire to help, and sometimes people actively ask for it. But advice can easily become another way of trying to fix people rather than understand them.
When we offer personal advice, we often shift the conversation away from helping someone think for themselves and towards encouraging them to follow our reasoning instead. We assume that we understand their situation well enough to know what is best.
But none of us can fully understand another person’s circumstances, priorities or values. Even when we know someone well, we still see their situation through the lens of our own experience.
A more conversational response is often to listen carefully, ask thoughtful questions, and create the space for people to reach their own conclusions. Not rushing to give advice is not withholding help. It is another way of working together.
A Different Way of Working Together
Many of the problems we face in our organizations and society revolve around the fact that we are continually trying to do things to each other, to change, persuade, or manipulate one another. That is the pattern many of us have inherited.
- measuring them
- appraising them
- judging them
- rewarding or bribing them
- threatening them
- holding them accountable without their agreement
- disciplining them
Read between the lines of much that is written about managing people, and it often turns out to be less about engaging and working with people than about finding better ways to get them to do what has already been decided.
Perhaps the real question is not how to change other people, but how we might work together more effectively. That begins with recognizing that none of us has all the answers and that each of us may need to change through the conversation.
Working together does not mean abandoning direction, responsibility or difficult decisions. It means refusing to treat other people merely as objects to be managed, motivated or corrected. It means recognizing their agency and inviting them into the conversation.
How do you make people share? (2005) | David Gurteen (source)Closing Reflection
Posts that link to this post
- Ownership, Not Buy-in We need to move from buy-in to ownership
- Positive Deviance in Action How everyday outliers spark lasting community change
In-person, 7–11 September 2026
Warbrook House, Hampshire, UK
We are living and working in conditions of uncertainty, complexity, and rapid change. This week-long workshop with David Gurteen and John Hovell offers a space to practise Conversational Leadership as a shared, lived experience.