Show respect: We often show disrespect for people with whom we disagree. This is damaging to the relationship and society. However, we do not need to respect someone or their ideas to show them respect.
The Problem
When people disagree with us over things we care deeply about, it is far too easy to assume they are stupid or conclude that they are bad people, selfish, vindictive, stubborn, arrogant, or unreasonable. We fail to agree constructively; we demonize them and do not show them respect.
- We are right; they are wrong, even evil.
- We are smart; they are dumb.
- We understand things; they just don’t get it.
If we think like this, disrespect, name-calling, and even violence, come quickly to both sides.
Look at almost any online discussion forum, mainly political or religious forums, and you will find that people are overwhelmingly disrespectful to each other. These forums are full of ad hominem attacks, abuse, and name-calling.
Ad hominem attack: Attacking a person’s character rather than responding to the argument itself.
The discussions can sometimes be entertaining but only entrench people’s positions. I still chuckle over a British politician labeled “as useless as a chocolate teapot,” which was one of the nicer things said about him.
Nothing is learned. Nothing is solved. Positions become entrenched.
Whether conversations are face-to-face or online, attacking and bad-mouthing each other destroys relationships and achieves nothing other than maybe a moment’s taste of satisfaction when we put someone down.
Without a mutual show of respect, no real conversation can take place.
Having respect for someone and showing respect to someone means something entirely different.
Having respect for someone means you deeply admire that person, their abilities, qualities, beliefs, ideas, or achievements.
You can respect someone for their beliefs, even if you disagree.
On the other hand, showing respect means respecting others’ feelings, wishes, rights, and beliefs and treating them with courtesy. It’s about civility.
This means that even though you may have no respect for a person or their beliefs and you may loathe, hate, and detest them, there is no reason why you should not show them respect and be tolerant of them and their views.
The solution?
We need to show respect to each other.Everybody believes they're the good guy.
We need to assume that the other person is acting in good faith until proven otherwise, and we must learn to disagree well.
If we wish to have any chance of changing anything, we need to show respect to both the person and their beliefs; however distasteful those ideas might be to us.
Many people can show respect to another person and not launch ad hominem attacks. Still, they are adamant they cannot show respect for beliefs they find crazy or disgusting.
The problem is that there is little difference between saying, “John, you are stupid for having such an idea,” and “John, that is a stupid idea.” John will take both statements as a personal attack.
You need to show respect to John as a person and show respect for his beliefs even if you do not respect his views if you wish to have a real conversation with him. It’s a nuanced distinction but a critical one.
On the other hand, you can choose to disrespect John’s beliefs and show disrespect to John himself for holding such thoughts, but now you are setting yourself up for a fight, which is unlikely to gain anything. Unless, of course, your real aim is good verbal scrap.
Lashon Hara
In the Jewish tradition, the term lashon hara describes derogatory speech about a person. Speaking lashon hara is considered a grave sin, even if the statements are factual. Lashon hara represents the ultimate in showing respect to another person. It is a challenging standard to accept, let alone live up to. However, refraining from lashon hara may be a big part of what we need to create a better world.
Showing respect is not about rolling over
I am not saying that you should roll over and accept beliefs you disagree with, but you should not dismiss them out of hand. A far better response might be:
“That’s interesting, John; I am not sure I understand. Could you tell me a little more?”
This reply may seem wimpish, but it is so much harder to do than hurl insults.
However irrational a view may appear, a different opinion is an opportunity for a conversation, an opportunity to learn, not a fight.
However, we need to be open to changing ourselves more than this. We must be able to say:
“I am open to a change of mind. I would like to understand your beliefs better, and after that, I would appreciate it if you would take the time to listen to mine”.
The other person must feel that we are open to change and that the conversation is between equals. Moreover, we must feel the same about them.If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this:
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
We need to clarify that although we disagree with them, we are not there to change their views and are open to changing our own beliefs.
This stance should not be a trick but a genuine position.
We may shift them a little in such conversations, and we may be moved. However, in many situations, neither side will change its viewpoint. Still, you will likely come away with a better understanding of the issue or the other person due to the conversation, which is a good outcome.
Sometimes we have to fight
Let’s be clear. I am referring to people who are engaging in good faith. I am not talking about people looking to manipulate you or fight with you or who have no intention of having a civil conversation or changing their views in even some small way.
However, I include people who hold seemingly abhorrent views and seem full of hate as long as they are prepared to talk and listen respectfully.
If they are not prepared to do that, in most circumstances, the best thing is to walk away as a debate or a fight will only entrench them, but in some cases, such as with extremists, you may have no option but to fight.
As a society, we have come to a point where people too often treat one another as objects and opportunities, rather than as fellow human beings.
Respecting one another as individuals, or not doing so, seriously impacts the future for all of us.
Respect for human beings
In my writing above, I show how you can show respect to someone even if you do respect their ideas.
But the idea of respect for our fellow human beings goes far broader and deeper. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy has a lengthy article on respect.
We do not need to respect someone or their beliefs to show respect to them. Respecting someone or a belief is quite different from showing respect to that person.
Posts that link to this post
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- Conversation Covenant Creating a psychologically safer space for difficult conversations
- Lashon Hara Jewish religious term for derogatory speech
- Rethinking Our Beliefs It is not easy to change our beliefs
- Discrediting People ** Cause them to lose the respect or trust of others
- Conversational Leadership Mindset Developing a Conversational Leadership mindset
- Avoiding Modern-day Colonialism Colonialism: the dominance, control, and exploitation by one group over another
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