Don’t give advice: At first thought, the idea that providing personal advice is a bad thing, especially when sought, seems rather strange. It may seem reasonable not to offer advice when it is not requested. But when it is sought?
Advice is unfriendly to learning, especially when it is sought.
Most of the time when people seek advice, they just want to be heard.
Advice at best stops the conversation, definitely inhibits learning, and at worst claims dominance.
If people ask for personal advice, we should help them, shouldn’t we? But reflect a little. Maybe not giving advice, even when solicited, is not as crazy as it sounds.
In the quote above, I don’t believe Peter Block is talking about advice such as the best place to buy a new carpet or the best way to get to the train station.
He is talking about more profound, more personal human issues. Should I get married? Should I take the new job that I have been offered? And in a business context. How do I handle a demanding boss?
When we ask for such advice, do we want advice or want to be listened to? Do we want a conversation?
Far too often advice comes in the form of “If I were you, this is what I would do.”
But you are not me, and you can never fully understand me or my situation.
Whatever way it is phrased, advice can’t avoid being implicitly judgmental. It is also often condescending and paternalistic. How often, when people give us advice, sought or not sought, do we think I’d sooner not have asked?
We feel belittled and judged, and the urge to defend ourselves, and when we think our intelligence is being called into question, whether it is or not, we attack in return — if nothing else but to deflect the pain of what may well be the truth.
I think Peter Block is right. Too often, giving advice stops the conversation and becomes an emotional argument. Any learning goes out the window, and the person giving the advice feels smug.
Stop Giving Advice to People Who Don’t Ask For It | Phil CookeHer words were condescending, they were incredibly hurtful, and they were completely unsolicited. It had a lasting impact on both our friendship and my self-confidence. I became hesitant to share anything with her, as I was afraid of receiving more judgemental advice. I also became convinced that no guy would ever want a relationship with me; after all, even my best friend didn’t think I could keep anyone interested for more than five minutes. Her attempt at offering me guidance had seriously backfired.
After that, I vowed not to give my friends advice, and believe they should do the same. This resolution was initially brought on by the fact that my friend’s recommendations resulted in a great deal of crying on my part, and I didn’t want to make anyone else feel that terrible.
However, I eventually came to the conclusion that my friends and I shouldn’t be giving each other advice because we’re really not qualified to do so. My friend’s opinions on my dating life were just that – opinions. My friend was not a dating expert, and she wasn’t an expert on my life either. Yes, we spent a great deal of time together, and yes, she did know me extremely well, but she still wasn’t me. Regardless of how close someone is with you, they are a different person from you. They have different priorities and different values, and they view the world through a different lens than you.
Credit: Devonne Kendrick
The critical insight here is that although it is easy to accept the idea of not advising people who don’t ask for it, advising people who solicit it is no different. Stop advising in both situations. On the other hand, when advice is sought, it is perfectly OK to have a conversation and to take the time to listen to the other person deeply. We tend to think of listening as a passive act. It’s not. It’s a powerful act of creation.
It is OK to ask the occasional question but avoid questions like “Have you considered so and so?” as this is just a devious way of giving advice.
Advice is what you get when the person you’re talking with about something horrible and complicated wishes you would just shut up and go away.
Advice is what you get when the person you are talking to wants to revel in the superiority of his or her own intelligence.
If you weren’t so stupid, after all, you wouldn’t have your stupid problems.
Think twice before giving advice — especially when it is sought. You would better listen, engage in conversation and avoid giving advice.
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Things Todo
- Action: Next time someone asks you for advice, try to listen to them more than give advice.
Resources
- Psychology Today: Giving People Advice Rarely Works. This Does
- Forbes: Why Giving Advice Doesn’t Work
- RealKM: For advice to be accepted, the recipient needs to request it
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