Empathy: A Skill or a Disposition? Why empathy is more about who we are becoming than what we learn to do

While reflecting on conversational awareness recently, I thought about empathy. I knew I had written a short piece about it some time ago, so I went back to look at it again.

What struck me was that I had placed empathy among conversational skills and described ways of developing it as a series of techniques. I had suggested things like active listening, putting ourselves in another person’s shoes, and engaging with people from different backgrounds.

None of these suggestions was wrong, but something about how I framed empathy no longer felt quite right.

It seemed to suggest that empathy was something we could learn to perform by following a set of techniques. We could listen attentively, ask thoughtful questions, and express concern, giving every appearance of empathy, without genuinely caring about or understanding the other person.

There is a difference between performing empathy and genuinely feeling it.

I began to think of empathy less as a skill and more as a disposition, a way of being. It grows from genuine curiosity about others, care for their experiences and a willingness to see the world from their point of view.

Of course, conversational skills matter. But developing empathy is not simply about becoming more skilful in conversation. It is also about who we are becoming: more curious, more open, more attentive to others and more willing to be changed by what we hear.

So I decided to rewrite my short piece on empathy.

It’s still a relatively brief exploration, and there’s undoubtedly more to say. But I think I’ve made an important shift in how I understand it.

And perhaps the same question applies more broadly to Conversational Leadership. Is becoming a better conversationalist primarily about learning new skills, or is it also about becoming a different kind of person?

Midjourney

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